How NOT to plan epic adventures

Sabah, Malaysian Borneo. 

What a mellifluous mouthful. The place is almost as exotic as it sounds - beautiful beaches, high mountains in the distance, palm trees everywhere and some headhunters still showing off the spoils of their ancestors' traditions! Jungles filled with orangutans, proboscis monkeys, pygmy elephants and the world's largest flower - the Rafflesia. Having spent over a month hanging out in the admittedly stunning, Sutera Harbour, I was more than ready to go for some land adventures when Petrina and Madara arrived. We had to first sail the boat along the coast from KK towards Kudat (some 14hours) around the northernmost tip of Borneo, help with the haul-out before we disappeared into the jungles for seven incredible days of exploration. 

For some reason, the group decided it was a great idea to rent a car to explore this vast expanse of area (over 70,000km²), which meant a trip back to KK would be necessary. 

Here are some quick tips on renting a car: 

1) Don't get the cheapest car. It's obviously the worst. Which means that when you're travelling over all those big Bornean rainforest-covered mountains your car will not do so well. 

2) Check the car works. Try running the A/C, radio and driving uphill (at the same time). If the car struggles with this, it is going to be an issue. 

3) Shanghai a Polish guy that knows a) how to drive and b) how to make a terrible car drive. You should ideally kidnap him for about a week (he might have to miss a couple of flights, but he'll appreciate his sacrifice in the end). Thanks Vtec!


4) Car alarms just don't like some people. It's a fact of life. Sorry Petrina.

5) The point is... When explaining mechanical failings of terrible cars, the point should be reached as quickly and painlessly as possible. And should also not be mentioned to the rental company before the deposit has been returned!!!! 

When you have selected your car, don't bother with a real map. If the roads are not so developed there won't be too many options anyway (we used a free tourist map that had little detail, but conveniently marked tourist attractions on it). Also, we found that often the best adventures happened like this:

Driver: Could you take a look at the map and check we're going in the right direction?
Co-pilot: No.
Driver: Can I check the map?
Co-pilot: No.
Driver: Where are we going?
Co-pilot: Turn left HERE! This road looks fun!
Driver: silently fuming

Which actually turned out for the best. In the above example, we went for a swim in the river, spent the night sleeping in hammocks and Madara enjoyed an early morning ride on on the longest zip-line in Borneo. 


The other advantage of not doing research, not planning and not arriving anywhere on time is that you can change the plan ...or the one you didn't have. Our first night's lodgings were procured through making friends with a Malaysian (Dr El, the local director of English Education) who led us to a guesthouse where they never normally allowed white people apparently because they didn't want complaints about their standards, although for us, this was not an issue* which was much cheaper than anything we saw in Lonely Planet, and much more fun - the four of us shared a room in comfortable double beds (apart from poor Vtec, who had a mattress on the floor).

 What else did we get up to? Well, one night we stayed at Poring Hot Springs Park, where everything was shut down by 7pm. Naturally that led Vtec on a quest for alcohol (OK, I joined him) and we began a dangerous night hike through the deep jungle (read: chasing fireflies along a paved road which bordered the jungle). Feeling guilty by the amount of fun we were having, we stopped back at the room to collect the rest of the team, and now with flashlights, we led them further along the same path. We progressed more slowly as we could hear a noise from ahead - over the gentle trickling sounds of a stream there was a louder roaring sound. Somebody eventually voiced their fears of being eaten by a clouded leopard, or trampled by a pgymy elephant until we stopped in our tracks, and huddled together in the middle of the road. Everyone was petrified of making any movement, should the unidentifiable beast come out of the bushes to attack. Madara was on the verge of hysteria. For four sensible adults, with a combined age of 112, it should not have taken us so long to realise that the sound came from a SPRINKLER. Or rather, a broken pipe - sporadically spraying water on nearby vegetation. 

The highlight of my trip was later the same night, when fueled by adrenaline from our brush with death and local rice whiskey, we decided to explore the closed park by night. A gap in the fence made this fairly easy, and we stealthily sneaked into the compound to look around - until we found the hot springs - and so our brief adventure as David Attenborough wannabes ended. Petrina was in her element; skinny dipping in the hot springs and playing with friendly cats after. It was so great to be there with just the group of us, that we didn't really see any point in going back in the next day (although we had tickets this time) - the place was an absolute zoo with all the tourists absolutely crammed into the pools. Although we did look at the butterflies.

All in all, we couldn't have planned this trip any better than it turned out. Which is why I'm glad we didn't try.

* I've been in Asia for so long that when I went into the bathroom, I noticed the tap, bucket and scoop and began having an Asian shower - I only found out about the actual shower head higher up on the wall because someone mentioned it later.